Saturday, March 22

spring is stirring inside of me


in the last few weeks, just beneath the surface of my skin, like what is happening underneath the layer of dirt, something in me is growing. Even though ice and worry keeps both the greens under my feet and the seed in me from breaking through completely, i begin to form. I have done things to sabotage myself for years, a protection, away of controlling the outcome even if it is failing. I have failed myself often, i give my all to other people- i love to see people sore, shone, fly and even though i have played the film inside the walls of my heart over and over again of actually trying to fly myself. I somehow never seem to put that much energy, encouragement, i just do not give myself what i need to succeed.

I am forming, i need to give myself the chance to fully bloom and all the risks that come with it will be no worse than not actually do it. Today i stared at the horse above and as a mix of wind and sun blew it's beautiful mane, i remember wanting to feel the wind in my hair, from somewhere high or breathing in moment that you know you made it happen.

So tonight i am writing myself a plan, steps, words, films and music anything i need to get my feet running. when the ice melts, i will be ready.

p.s. i am the happiest i have ever been,, having Poet in my life.  all of me has gone into securing her future here on the hill and now recognizing that i depleted some parts of me that need to be refilled.

Sunday, March 16

winter lingers on


Winter has decided  to stay it's full term and intertwined with it are some old feelings. everyday i learn a bit about myself but mostly i learn about her. I hear all my favorite instruments, the violin, the piano and cello when i stare at her. her face is brighter then any sun and lovelier still then any sunset. This weekend i cried randomly caught of guard, it was not fear ( well maybe a little) but mostly at the cheer amazement that she is here, she is here at my kitchen table, in my arms, her head lays on my pillow and her hand reaches out to hold my mine. she is here and with me.

I am listening to beautiful music play as i type this, i am also reading before bed again- oh how i missed it. The book is about Happiness and can we make ourselves even happier than we are, i am up for that challenge although i suspect that in a few months my happiness will be off the charts.

 I am filled with things i want to write, some about Poet, some about me and the changes that have taken place but none of it i can tell is coming out right now, so i will leave you  for now and wish you well.

Thursday, February 27

a miracle.

Dear Friends, yesterday in court we were given the most beautiful gift, Poet's mother relinquished her rights making us Poet's only parents. I believe that all your well wishes along with my families help make this miracle happen.  I am, i believe still in shock, it was a very powerful and kind moment that i was able to share with her birth mother one that has not quiet sunk in yet.  I know that  this is real and beautiful and everything i had hoped for and now i wait to legally adopt my little girl to completely feel
the reality of this incredible news.  I love her so very much and i am heading home to montreal to be with my family and perhaps to be able to truly cry in the protection of their loving arms.

Thank you dear, dear friends i can never express that enough and in a short few months (to long still) i will be able to introduce you fully to this incredible being named Poet.

Sunday, February 23

in her glance

 It is late, everyone's asleep from little Poet to the dogs, horses and roosters. music quietly pouring out of speakers. Again words are trapped in me somehow the flesh is thick and the skin is paper thin.

This week, my mind and heart travelled to one of those places that seem endlessly dark one that has you believe the worst is possible, my feet fumbled, my mind crashed into windowless walls  and breathing was barely possible,  my physical body mimicking all that my soul was feeling. A frantic call for a soothing voice was met with silence or worse " what do you want me to say"….

Violins are playing now, no i mean literally and there is such deep stirring created by them and in the same time light filters in , i am awake, alive i can not lie and it's becoming clearer to me how much i have been holding my breath since April of last year when Poet entered my life with the very second came the most profound happiness and the most fear. Everything else i realize is barely there, attempting not to feel to much, not to say to much, not to be yet at the same time wanting to teach her all that i am.

Do you ever miss yourself, perhaps it is not proper to say it out loud but i do i miss the carefree believer in me, now believing is a risk and even though i write this i know i have completely surrendered every hope, dream, blood cell to this. I am so In love with this little being, that it is taking all i have to not show her how terrified i am of breaking in a millions unrecognizable pieces and even a tenth of second thought that she will not be mine or moreso that i will not be hers.

Do you know how incredible she is, to hear her say "hi"is joy itself, to feel her little hands on your face and watch her pop her head around the corner and smile, to have her reach for you and nestle her head on your chest till she falls asleep……….in her glance, in her hand, in her laughter i recognize what pure love really is.

we go to court on wednesday no miracle will happen in court that morning but just maybe the beginning of  the end to not being a hundred percent sure.

beautiful music here.

Wednesday, February 12

Winter







I dive right into winter,  conscious of the cold as is renews me  from the inside out.  This winter held some of the coldest days and not much snow but we have snow now and it is white and deep and underneath the winter glistening moon shines like a million stars in the sky.

Chores need to be done and a tiny being keeps me company as i do them and at times she stares through the large window pane blowing her mama kisses and having conversation with the cat. Yesterday she curled herself in a sunny spot of the wooden floor and fell asleep.

The horses are grateful for soft snow under foot and i keep getting my breath taken away at how beautiful they are against it and the landscape that is the hill.  here i share some images i have taken of our winter on the hill. I have many things to keep us warm, the fire in the wood stove, the tea in our cups and soups in our belly but it is the beautiful comments you left on my last  post that warmed me through my bones- i emptied out all the sorrow and filled it with hope. Thank you.

the first image of Tolstoy running through the snow, makes me love the freedom of the life we lead.

Thursday, February 6

letting go…...


Oh dear friends, i have neglected this blog when it has brought me such simple happiness and friendships. There is a part of me that is crying out to give up on other ways of sharing and come back to this one. I was disciplined, i would come here to share, write and show you all while piecing together the book that one day would be my life.

I have been treading on logs for so long now. Poet is still not ours and we are heading into trial and all that pressure has made me distracted from everything and everyone, except Poet. I am tired of treading and desperately wanting to touch firm soil with her in my arms. It will come soon but all this is causing me to fail so many other aspects of my life.  It is lonely place at times, when all you want to do is share what brings you the most happiness but how you do it when your favorite medium is photographs and stories and those are restricted for now.

This has also caused me to not communicate with my true friends, a side of effect of being abandoned by "friends" i was truly kind to, the minute i started standing on my two feet ( although for the record i was always on my own two feet, worked hard my whole life to get here) and the minute Poet came into my life- the friends  who "wished i would have a baby"  never even once mentioned her in fact they seem to   'like" on instagram everything but when i share what i can of her. Well being abandoned and not knowing why has also caused me to be too cautious with other friends who i know are truer than the ones i speak about and for that i am truly sorry. There is good wonderful people in my life and i need to trust that they will not abandon me.

I have wanted to write this for so long and  lacked the guts and even now as i write and tears fall i am not sure if i will be able to publish but i hope i can cause i need to let this go.

I need to let go and believe that everything will be okay, That Poet came into my life because of the good me.

With kindness and a promise to start sharing what i can here and even though this is not a phone call or a face to face chat or email it is a place you can find me open and honest, always.

nadia

Tuesday, February 4

"Finding the Light" in the Beautiful Country side of Scotland.



Last year,  i began to admire the beautiful work of Marte Marie Forsberg, her love of light was as strong as mine so last early last fall, we decided to plan a workshop together "Finding the Light"in a place that made both our hearts sing.


Join Marte Marie Forsberg and I for a small and intimate workshop in the Beautiful  country side of Scotland as you learn to tell a story through breathtaking landscape, throughfully prepared dishes and stunning light.

Your home for four nights will be a beautiful Castle in Scotland built  in 1590 in the beautiful village of Glenluce. We will explore the region together, learn  to tell a visual story through light using food and lifestyle as subjects.  We will take walks by the sea, visit a quaint village, share evening meals by candlelight, enjoy meaningful conversations, watch sunsets and maybe evening star gaze.


JUNE 21-25, 2014 

Single Occupancy $2375. Double Occupancy $2175.

This is an intimate workshop for five.

Workshop Includes: 
Four nights in a beautiful historic castle in Scotland
Three days of full instruction
Visit to local makers and markets
four breakfast
three lunches
four dinners
refreshments throughout.
a final evening dinner filled with music.
transportation during workshop ( excluding flight and transport ion to the workshop)

50% Percent due open registration -double occupancy $1087.5 Single occupancy $1187.50 final payment due April 15th. 2014

There is no refunds for this workshop, please know that you can make before you purchase. 
We recommend travelers insurance.

registration is now open here

Wednesday, January 29

Announcing a Story Telling Through Moving Pictures workshop on the lovely seaside of Greece and a new site.




Dear Friends i am so excited to announce a new filming workshop. Last year was such a success working along side filmmaker Ryan Marshall that we could not wait to do it again!  We have created a new site, where you can see the workshops, instructors and films created in our last workshop by the wonderful attendees.

so please visit the site here

Here is the Greece workshop- it is going to be magical!






The village of Sparto is perched high above the Ambracian Gulf, to reach the Villa Amalia you descend a winding country road through olive groves. At the end of the road is a high stone wall with a large iron gate flanked by two immense stone urns containing pomegranate trees. Pass through the gates and you enter a landscape that has not changed in centuries.


The road down to the house is lined with oleanders and lavender which form a border around the olive groves. From the gravel parking area next to the house you get your first glimpse of the sea. The walkway to the house is covered with an arbour of lemon trees which opens to a courtyard planted in lavender with a fountain in the centre which emerges from an old terra cotta amphora.


You already know how to take beautiful photographs. Filmmakers Ryan Marshall, Micheal Martinez and Joshua Mcwilliams will help you  learn how to tell a story with video in this intensive workshop. 
Geared toward professional photographers who have a solid understanding of their DSLR cameras when it comes to still photography but have yet to make the leap into video, this workshop will provide balanced knowledge of the basics of videography using DSLR camera. 
The course will cover everything from pre to post production, with particular focus on understanding how to customize your camera to best achieve your personal shooting style. Instructors will be on hand to give each attendee one-on-one guidance.
Create 3 collaborative films from top to bottom - location planning, production and editing. We will start each day by making a film and end each day with a comprehensive live edit session. Attendees will walk away with a firm grasp on post production organization and execution, from preparing your files for edit, to the final export for online viewing.


In this workshop we will take you to a place with rolling hills filled with Olive groves, the sea far as the eye can see, small fishing villages and local craftsmen. Enjoy farm-to-table meals prepared by a talented chef using local sources ingredients, included fish caught for us that day and beautiful breads made in the house's outdoor wood fired oven while sitting under beautiful terraces. Of course there is swimming either from infinity pool or right in the ocean or perhaps a soak in the stone spa and a massage.


May 18th - 24th, 2014
Limited to 10 attendees

Fee $3475.00 Double Occupancy and $3675.00 Single occupancy.
The  Six nights and five days workshop includes:
.Six nights at the beautiful and exclusive  Amalia estate
.Four days of intensive instruction with three filmmakers
.One day of leisure time such as wine tasting, dolphin watching or lounging.
.Six Breakfast
.Five lunches
.Six Dinners
.Cocktails & appetizers on arrival night
.Snack & Beverages throughout
.Visit to local makers 
.A Wrap Dinner and Party Including music and viewing the films you created on the properties very own outdoor stone cinema.

DEPOSIT: Double occupancy $1737.50  or  Single Occupancy $1837.50  for registration to be confirmed.

FINAL PAYMENT: Final Payment will be due on March 15th, 2014. Billed through Paypal

There will be no refunds for this workshop – please know you can make it before your registration.
We recommend travelers insurance.

Registration opens this Thursday, January 30 2014 at  9 am. Eastern Standard time.

Thursday, December 5

Poet turns one...


My baby girl turned one today, it has gone so fast. I have been emotional about it and it has caught me by surprise. She is the most incredible little being, her smile lights up  the sky that sometimes i wonder if she is the sun. That i can not share with you her smile yet, hurts my heart. Yet i remain hopeful.

Poet, as i mentioned has such an incredible smile and shows it off all the time. She's also i believe to be  a little comedian always doing silly things and looking around to see if i am noticing. You can hear her and i have belly laughs several times a day. She loves Sophie so very much and all the others too but the conversations she has with sophie are epic. Poet is a foodie and loves everything i love, today for her birthday i made potato and fennel soup and she could not have enough. Poet, loves books i mean loves them and she sits quietly and "reads to herself" or to me.  She loves music classical especially the violin and piano, she also likes the tibethian throat singers and she doesn't mind her mama's tone deaf singing, which is good because i sing to her all the time. Poet is wonderful when it comes to chores, either she is out there with me or she stands at the window like you see above waving and smiling and sometimes, okay every time i walk back towards the house my breath is taken away as i stare at the scene before me.

Poet clearly says many things but what she says most of all these days is hi daddy, in fact she asks to call daddy several times a day. I am here writing you all this and there is a lump in my throat that is forming- one day , oh please one day make it so that i can share everything about her with you- for to know Poet is one of the luckiest privileges i promise…..

* i also want to apologize, i have not been able to write to my dear friends, or pick up the phone, it is not only because i am spending all my time with Poet but it is because it is such an emotional time and i just do not know how to express what we are going through, even my poor mum get yes and no answers to emails. This kind of block has never happen before, but know you are often on my mind dear friend. (s)

Monday, November 25

when i asked the fog to come…...

Dear friends,

 Are you warm, have you made time for yourself. Soon  things will get busy, i do not have tv but i hear how things are being rushed, christmas before halloween- thanksgiving spent at a mall- I have always felt like big corporations hardly care about their customers but now to steal those holidays from underneath you in the name of the very holiday they are trying to get you to buy for is such an ugly thing happening here in North America.

The cost of such will be felt for generations, when traditions go from sitting at the thanksgiving table to waiting in line in front of some big department stores. There is also the fact that the small independent shop that you find so special, can not compete of course but now just like the larger commercial ones will  have to choose what employee will forgo dinner or brunch with family or friends for a  fear of loosing their jobs. I am truly sad about this all.

Gosh when i sat at my computer i had not intended to write the above at all, i apologize.

I have a confession about Autumn, although i love the the bright reds and yellows from the earlier Fall months it is the colors of late fall early winter that i swoon for. The browns, greys, rust, the fallen leaves and bare branches and the birds that stick around. As you know the fog is a friend to me but it had been gone for far too long, when i started hoping it would make it's return intact i even said out loud " can you please come, i need you" and the very next morning it was here. I bundled up Poet an made my way down dirt roads and felt renewed every time i capture it with my phone. We all have something that gets us back on track for me it is the fog, what about you?


Wednesday, November 6

warming up to the cold


Dear friends,

I wanted to say thank you for your kind words, i have read them many times and have felt the warmth from them.

I am sitting in the upstairs loft, Poet and all les animaux are sound asleep and all i can hear is the wind playing with the leaves of the birch trees.  I am not comfortable up here yet, my new computer arrived and it took me a week to finally open the box and set it up, and now i type this to you. I have big plans for this space where the heat rises from the wood stove. it is where Poet and i will retreat to on very cold days so i must make it perfect, well our kind of perfect anyways.

The cold has made it's way to the hill. My love for winter does not fade, especially when it snows but i must admit that the transition from Autumn to Winter scares me at first for i still have a barn to fill with hay, wood too arrive and a driveway that looks like a dried up river bed to contend with. Once those things are in place then i am ready, ready for big wool sweaters, a fire that never goes out, big cast iron pots of lentils, soups and stews. showing Poet the snow, putting on tiny wool hats and mitts, teaching her how to catch snowflakes with the tip of her tongue and reading books by the warmth of the sun on the window panes....  i love her so very much, so very- very much.

Tuesday, October 15

Poet & I



 My dearest readers,

It is my birthday today, i do not usually announce such things but i wanted to share  this photograph taken by the lovely Julie of Tiger in a Jar. This is Poet ( not her birth name). Although i thought along with this image i would share a bit of our story, i am not ready- it is not time. There is a lot of hope, that soon i will be able too.

So much has been given to me, a year ago on this day i received bad news after bad. A year later i see why, and i am so very happy.

Poet is the love of my life and that i get to share this day with her and every minute of every other day, well i am the luckiest,  i can hardly see the keys as i type. She is everything and i see everything in her.





Thursday, September 19

a tiny glimpse into Basque



dear friends,

I have just returned from working in Basque. It was one of loveliest trips i have ever taken. I met incredible people against the most beautiful landscape. I hope to share with you more about my time there and also from my travels before then. I continue to have full hard drives but once i can remedy this i will begin to share.

I hope you are well, that autumn finds you well.

with kindness,
nadia

Monday, September 2

saying hello.....

dearest readers,

It has been a very long time since i last posted, summer has come and now it begins to say it's goodbyes. I hope that you have been well, that you have had moments that will play out in your memory with fondness.

My life here on the hill has been filled with so many things, some good and some bad and some life changing. I am packing my bags today for our workshops in Basque and it will end with
 a few days in Paris. If you know me, you know that i will hurry back to take in what autumn brings, the wonderful changes and quietness. My garden is bursting and i hope it will still be going strong when i am back for i plan for it to be the soul thing i eat from, well there might be some lentils...

I just held the filming workshop, where i met incredible people, worked with amazingly talented beings but more on that upon my return so much of that i want to share.

I leave you now with the image above, the first i see as i make my way up the driveway the hill and the last thing i see when i leave.

Dearest readers, my heart is full in so many ways, the greatest joy i have ever known is with me......



with kindness,

see you soon.

nadia

Thursday, July 4

the breathing place





i am leaving for NY tomorrow but  can i tell you even though i look forward to being there, the coffee, beautiful studio space i will be working in and the loft i rented to rest my head or gaze at the skyline from it's rooftop will be nice- my heart is here my thoughts get processed here, my heart mends here, the deepest laughters happen here. Sometimes i think about how much i speak of the hill to you  and that maybe i do not use my time here wisely but dear you this is where breathing happens, where arms get stretched, feet firmly touch the ground and were dreaming and reality merge.

My heart and belly feel like a ball of elastic bouncing and entangled in thoughts, experiences that are never still. I crave stillness, sometimes i think of my hand being held or my head resting on a shoulder of someone just as a child does for comfort.

Friday, June 28

rain and being in the moment.

dear readers, i wanted to stop in and say hello. i am sitting at a cafe ( waiting) it is bit cooler today than it has been and i love it. rain, there has been a lot of it and begins to create some problems for farmers, houses built of wood and people. I have  needed it, my soul craved it and the fog that comes with it on the hill. my days have been sneaking some time in the garden but starting things from seed late and all that rain, well we will wait and see what happens.  I continue to listen to music, mostly classical and a bit of what my friend Jarrod sends me. 

i also continue to be unable to form long sentences, paragraphs to reply to friends who have kindly written to me, please know that the words swirl in my head and kind thoughts for you  are felt in my heart, i will get there. 

I realize now that  the last few months were so very heavy, being on the move all the time, having people in my house and living with the biggest  joy & risk of my life has made certain things in me halt, maybe you can understand when there is something pending everything seems to be in limbo( i do not like that word) or handle that feeling well.

Yet having said that my days feel so great for i spend my time in the moment more than ever sharing discovery with someone very, very special and through those eyes and hands i have found what i had always believed i wanted without a shadow of a doubt.

I also would like to thank my friend Kreetta for sending me the header above, she attended the Sweden workshop and she is beautiful, funny and crazy talented! i hope to do more changes slowly here, nothing to drastic cause home should remain feeling like that.

Thursday, June 13

strong and music

dear you, i have returned home only a few short hours ago. I am listening to the rain fall, chopin and a bird who i  believe is listening to chopin too. I am happy to be home and the hill is lovelier than ever, even if the grass is so very high. The wild flowers are everywhere and i will take a walk soon, even in the rain.

I met some incredible people last week while i worked, truly beautiful people with spirits and knowledge and sun in their faces. I will tell you more about it soon, but i must tell you about italy first and i will promise.

for now can i tell you about the photograph, i randomly picked it from my iphone and i am sure there is better ones and my camera is filled with them and i hope to download them soon. Iceland is magical, we must go again my camera and i.

I feel very strong right now even though my heart took some stabs in sweden but those cracks got filled with people stories, kindness and music. the whole plane ride home i listened to music, i cried, i moved my feet to the music, i hoped, excepted, dreamt and imagined. I am happy, i also gifted myself experiences like the one above but the biggest thing i gave myself was learning to except that i am a good person, that i work hard and that it is okay to except those things about oneself.

i will write soon, i would like to change my header photograph into a circle of the same and have la porte rouge written in script beside the circle, if anyone can assist that would be great, i am ready to freshen up and re commit to my life being told on the pages of this blog after i have lived the moment.....

listen


3am
daughter
maybe
low roar

Wednesday, May 29

wednesday


i have promised photographs from italy and i have many but unfortunately my computer has run out of memory and i was only able to download a few. I will remedy it upon my return from Sweden. I will like to spend a night in Stockholm can anyone recommend a budget friendly place to spend the night. I have cut the trip very short basically work and home, i need to be home i want to be home on the hill and enjoy every minute of the ever changing landscape with....

It has rained for nine days straight, epic rain but today the fog came too, i feel at home in the fog a familiar friend who helps me be still and see clearly.

Dear readers, how are you? - i have been terrible with correspondence- not being able to keep up. i have never been able to write a quick email when a intimate one is needed. What are your plans, are you growing anything form your fire escape, balcony, window sill or garden. I am very behind but so much i enjoy are fast growers so i will catch up. I am thinking of you realizing i miss writing here and hearing you.


Thursday, May 16

back

Dear Friends, i returned from italy just last night, my eyes are heavy and i am patiently waiting to give horses grain so i can tuck myself in for the night.

Italy was everything i hoped for and more, it is beautiful, the workshop a success and the people i  meant have made it extra special. I have so much to share and i will soon but right now i am  going to ease myself back into the routine there is a vegetable garden to plant, horse pastures to create and much more. I love the hill with every fiber of my being and love it more these days for reasons i can not yet share publicly.

I am also feeling so alive ( says the girl that could hardly keep her eyes open as she types this-jet lag perhaps). Awaken passion for life and i am inspired by it.

 hope you are well....

with kindness,
nadia


Thursday, April 18

deep happiness


dear readers, i had not meant to be gone this long. life on the hill changed in one minute and my heart is so full. I am not able to explain just yet but i desperately want to share my happiness with you. It is the kind of happiness that comes with great risk, so everyday, many times a day i whisper little things to myself to keep me in the moment, not looking past today.

I leave for Europe in a couple of weeks, that did come so fast. Leaving the farm and all that it means is so very hard but now it seems unbearable but i also know that once i hot Italian soil, i will know how lucky i am to be in such a place.

I am thinking of you, i hope life allows me to share more of my happiness with you in a more open way, i hate keeping anything from you, so i will whisper it into the wind and you just might hear it.